I had to grow up without parents myself, so I swore never to have kids of my
own. I wanted a better life and back then it was believed that only America
was the place to make dreams come true. I did all I could to go to
America but my visa was denied because I did not meet certain terms and
conditions. Most of my friends did manage to leave the country.
Alone and depressed I took the first job that was offered, it was to be a
waitress in a hotel and that decision changed my life forever.
First of all the hotel was a pub and I needed to get away from
home so I just took the job. I don’t know how but a week later I found
myself in a sexual relationship with a guy who worked at the pub. That
was in Oct 1997. I was 24 then and had never been in such a
relationship for fear of pregnancy. By November I was pregnant and had
lost the job. My boyfriend asked me to go back home and talk to my
aunt who had raised me and my siblings explain the situation. Then I was to return and move in with him.
Hearing this, my aunt hit the roof. She insisted I get an abortion
and move back home. My aunt’s younger sister was there at the time and
was in the bedroom resting because she had been unwell herself. She called
for me and told me to leave home and go live with my boyfriend and have
the baby. I took her advice and left home. Life with my boyfriend was going
fine, he worked and supported me. We had our kids “they were twins”.
My boyfriend then lost his job. I did small things to support us
until I managed to get a job. He began falling ill more and more often.
We just brushed it off and attributed it to stress of losing his
job. Finally he had gotten something that landed him in the hospital for
days. It was while there that the doctor decided to do an HIV test
on him. The Dr. casually told me this when I came to visit my boyfriend. I
was taken back and I inquired about the test from my boyfriend and why this test
was being done.
He had just dismissed it and told me we had nothing to worry about, because HIV
only infected prostitutes who slept with white men. (Forgive me for
saying this) but that was the perception. Since we had nothing to do
with prostitutes we were safe. The next day while at work he called me
and asked me to visit him at the hosp immediately, when I arrived I sensed
something was wrong, his eyes were swollen due to crying, he just
looked at me and blurted out “I have HIV”.
Words could not describe what that moment felt like. I could do nothing but
cry as he was asking me to say something....finally I asked “him how
will I ever convince anyone that I was never a prostitute, how?” I
just turned and left, hot tears streaming down my face and I had to
take public transport home. I thought of my kids (God we were dying.)
What would become of them? I got home and took the kids with me to be
tested at the local clinic with the intention of ending it all if we
tested positive.
I would jump in the river with the kids and drown. The Dr. was a lady
and she tried to counsel me but I was distracted by my thoughts and
the kids screaming as we had to hold them tightly for blood to be
removed. I was asked to collect the results the next day. That night
was very long. I left work early and went for the results. This time
it was a male doc and he also wanted to counsel me but I refused. He
said the kids were negative but I was positive. I had no reason to end
my kids lives.
I did feel relief that my kids had been spared this (SHAME). That was
in 2002. Now looking back it had been a struggle and I learned
that this happened to me because of my ignorance. I lived my life
thinking that I was too good, too clean for anything as dirty as HIV.
What gets to me is that there are still others out there who think
they are untouchable. Be warned HIV is in the least place you would expect to
find it.
own. I wanted a better life and back then it was believed that only America
was the place to make dreams come true. I did all I could to go to
America but my visa was denied because I did not meet certain terms and
conditions. Most of my friends did manage to leave the country.
Alone and depressed I took the first job that was offered, it was to be a
waitress in a hotel and that decision changed my life forever.
First of all the hotel was a pub and I needed to get away from
home so I just took the job. I don’t know how but a week later I found
myself in a sexual relationship with a guy who worked at the pub. That
was in Oct 1997. I was 24 then and had never been in such a
relationship for fear of pregnancy. By November I was pregnant and had
lost the job. My boyfriend asked me to go back home and talk to my
aunt who had raised me and my siblings explain the situation. Then I was to return and move in with him.
Hearing this, my aunt hit the roof. She insisted I get an abortion
and move back home. My aunt’s younger sister was there at the time and
was in the bedroom resting because she had been unwell herself. She called
for me and told me to leave home and go live with my boyfriend and have
the baby. I took her advice and left home. Life with my boyfriend was going
fine, he worked and supported me. We had our kids “they were twins”.
My boyfriend then lost his job. I did small things to support us
until I managed to get a job. He began falling ill more and more often.
We just brushed it off and attributed it to stress of losing his
job. Finally he had gotten something that landed him in the hospital for
days. It was while there that the doctor decided to do an HIV test
on him. The Dr. casually told me this when I came to visit my boyfriend. I
was taken back and I inquired about the test from my boyfriend and why this test
was being done.
He had just dismissed it and told me we had nothing to worry about, because HIV
only infected prostitutes who slept with white men. (Forgive me for
saying this) but that was the perception. Since we had nothing to do
with prostitutes we were safe. The next day while at work he called me
and asked me to visit him at the hosp immediately, when I arrived I sensed
something was wrong, his eyes were swollen due to crying, he just
looked at me and blurted out “I have HIV”.
Words could not describe what that moment felt like. I could do nothing but
cry as he was asking me to say something....finally I asked “him how
will I ever convince anyone that I was never a prostitute, how?” I
just turned and left, hot tears streaming down my face and I had to
take public transport home. I thought of my kids (God we were dying.)
What would become of them? I got home and took the kids with me to be
tested at the local clinic with the intention of ending it all if we
tested positive.
I would jump in the river with the kids and drown. The Dr. was a lady
and she tried to counsel me but I was distracted by my thoughts and
the kids screaming as we had to hold them tightly for blood to be
removed. I was asked to collect the results the next day. That night
was very long. I left work early and went for the results. This time
it was a male doc and he also wanted to counsel me but I refused. He
said the kids were negative but I was positive. I had no reason to end
my kids lives.
I did feel relief that my kids had been spared this (SHAME). That was
in 2002. Now looking back it had been a struggle and I learned
that this happened to me because of my ignorance. I lived my life
thinking that I was too good, too clean for anything as dirty as HIV.
What gets to me is that there are still others out there who think
they are untouchable. Be warned HIV is in the least place you would expect to
find it.