Written by Gary R. Blaylock
Dedicated to the woman I loved. Thank you!
It is just now a year and only seven to eight months, since I found out that I am HIV positive. I feel it has been a life time for many reasons. The biggest and most troublesome reason is loneliness and how it has worn me down to almost nothing these past few months. I have gotten over the mother of my kids leaving when she did as well as loosing so many of my family and friends but there comes a point when you stop and ask yourself "Is it always going to be like this?" "Am I expected to be lonely forever?"Why should I not have the right to be happy?” I haven’t had a real relationship in over two years and now it has gotten even harder with these new circumstances of being a HIV positive heterosexual male.
I am beginning see the world as a cold and unbearable place most of the time, yet here I am waiting and hoping that things will change, that this can’t be all I am suppose to have in life. People have asked me how I do this day in and day out. I'm not sure myself anymore. I have had thoughts of just ending the pain but know that is only going to hurt my kids and what’s left of my family. To be held and know that person isn't going to let you go, they're not going anywhere. In the morning when your eyes open for the first time of the day, even before the sun can burn them and force you to squint, they are there looking back at you or still asleep it doesn't matter. They are there for you, with you and you know they will be there until you are no more. I do not think I am asking too much.
I so want to feel love again, to be loved again. To have the warmth of somebody there when I am scared to just hold me and "with a soft voice" tell me it is going to be alright. I have so much love to give it ties me up inside at night when I am lying alone in the dark. My stomach is in knots and my head feels as if it is being ripped in half and all for what? Wanting to be normal? Wanting what everybody else wants but I'm infected. “EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES" so I am not worthy of such a prize as love. I am not a zombie. I am not contagious as most want to think. I am a man. I do have feeling and emotions. I do want love in my life. They say "behind every great man, is a great woman". Well she must of fell down or got lost, because when I look back I don't see anyone there. I don’t see a “great woman” offering me support. Could be that she is just lost in the ever growing heard of people behind me. You know the ones I’m referring to. The disbelievers, the fearful, the ignorant and even those that think showing pity is helping me. To all of them I say “read some information, get yourselves educated on the subject of HIV/AIDS, go get tested as soon as you can or just move on and leave me alone”.
I have been told. “Your time will come when that perfect woman will enter your life and everything else will be nothing more than a bad dream.” I say “let me wake up because.” I feel as if this dream is going to kill me and I can't take it no more. Please somebody pinch me and wake me up, because I'm lonely and tired of being lonely and tired.