I finally found some help with Hope services here in Tulsa and they set me an appointment for that morning to go down and get retested. I told the wife and asked her to go with me but she was busy getting ready for work. "I am on my own" I told myself as i got dressed and finished my coffee.
I didn't know what to expect as Iwalked through the doors,I was scared out of my mind, but thank God I met the most caring people I have met in a long time. They explained everything to me and how the test worked, as well they gave me some reading material in order to get educated on HIV/AIDS. They set me down in a little office and it was not what I thought at all there was no giant machines, they were not going to put me in some type of blender and mix me all up. A single finger prick later I was finished and now the wait to see the results. They informed me it could take up to 15 minutes or so, we just sat there and talked as they continued to explain everything to me that they could. Two minutes had past and it was done. "You are positive for HIV" he told me. The tears began again and we just sat there as I cried, and tried to understand why I was being punished, what did I do wrong?. Then the fear hit me like a train, the kids, the wife, what are we going to do. I went outside and called the wife to give her the news, she seemed to understand and quickly left her job to get tested herself. She was negative I found out later that day. The lab sent off another sample of my blood to be tested for the strain in which I had.
I returned home with a handful of flyers and leaflets to read and was still unsure how to proceed. The rest of the day was a big blur other than I was even to scared to give my kids good night kisses, I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare and go about my normal life. Again, I spent the night alone. They (as in my wife and her girlfriend) needed the kids with them for comfort because they were scared of what could of happened. " I just wanted to die, they would be better off, this is not fair." These are the thoughts that kept me awake and numb for the next several days, I just laid in bed and didn't move, didn't eat, didn't care.