I sat there for several more minutes until the doctor along with a member of security came into the office. After fumbling through his desk and briefcase he excused himself, leaving me with the security officer. I would like to mention that he never said a word to me, not even when I asked. A few moments later the doctor returned carrying a piece of paper. He handed the paper to me, looked me right in the eye and said, "You have HIV. I've already reported your condition to the National Donors Registration Board. You should get retested if you want a second opinion. Have a good day and this gentleman will show you the way out." I did not leave through the front door that time.
There I sat in my truck not believing...not something. I was in shock and I now had to drive home and tell my wife.
I had my first ever anxiety attack on the way to the house. All I could do was pull over and cry. I had no idea how I was going to tell her. Hell, I was trying to figure it out for myself. Shock, disbelief, and fear rushed through my whole body. I just wanted to go puke right then and there.
I still have trouble describing how I felt that day, my heart racing so fast I couldn't think straight. I can remember visions of the movie Philidelphia in my head. I just knew I was dead...and what about my wife...our kids...what have I done? I've killed us all.
I walked into the house, straight to my bedroom and sat on the bed (I'm not sure for how long). The kids were all in school and the baby was with my wife. I called my her and asked if she could come over for a minute, that I had some bad news. I just laid back and closed my eyes. What was only about five minutes seemed a lifetime to me.
In order to have you fully understand the situation, my wife and I had been separated for three months, by this time, and she was living with her girlfriend across the parking lot in the same apartments as the kids and I.
I sat her down beside me on the bed and as I began to tell her the tears just flowed out of me. I could not stop them. She pulled me to her and we sat that way for a few minutes. Suddenly, she jumped up in a panic. I told her we would figure it all out like we always have. She yelled, "What is this going to do to my girlfriend? To us?" (Meaning her girlfriend and herself.) Then she was out the door running to inform her girlfriend of the situation. I spent the rest of the night alone, as they saw fit to keep the kids with them to give me space. I laid awake until I passed out from exhaustion.